by
No Sweat
SCENE ONE
"I've been his neighbor since he moved up here. About fifteen years now."
"And why are you calling the Kentucky State Police?"
"Well, he's got some pigeons up there. And he's got trees planted all over the place. I know he plants them so the neighbors can't see what he's doing."
"And what is it that you think he is doing?"
"I don't think nothing. I KNOW what he is doing!"
"And what is that?"
"Well, my two grandsons were up there in his pigeon loft last week. He got to showing them the feed mixture he mixes together. He had corn and some other stuff---and guess what?"
"What?"
"He's got marijuana seeds up there, too. My boys said he had two fifty pound bags. Ain't that against the law? My guess, he's only using those pigeons as a front. He's making money off those seeds as sure as I'm talking to you on this phone!"
"You're sure he's got one hundred pounds of marijuana seeds?"
"Yessir. I saw this hot-line number for reporting drugs and I immediately called."
"What's this man's name and where does he live?"
"He's called, NO SWEAT. Says he's a writer ---but I know better. His pigeon loft is in the woods on a hill behind his house at 516 Poplar Street in Ravenna, Kentucky."
"Thank you for calling, Ma'am, we will look into this."
********************************************************************************************************
SCENE TWO
Later the same day of the phone call. Six squad cars race to the 516 Polar Street residence. The peaceful pigeon loft is surrounded by a ready-made Kentucky squat team composed of blue lights representing The Kentucky State Police, The Estill County Sheriff's Department and The Ravenna City Police (population 369).
"NO SWEAT, WE KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE! NO USE TRYING TO HIDE! GIVE UP! COME OUT OF THAT PIGEON LOFT WITH YOUR HANDS HIGH!"
"I'm coming out. Don't shoot!"
"We have a warrant to search your pigeon loft."
"For what? I know that I wrote an article saying that an old man was using pigeons to smuggle drugs in from the Caribbean but it was just fiction. Fiction is all I write."
"The lady that called in on you said you'd try to claim that you were a writer. This ain't about nothin' you say you wrote. This here is about one hundred pounds of marijuana seeds you are hiding up there in that pigeon loft."
"Marijuana seeds? Hiding?"
"ELROY! I FOUND 'EM! TWO BAGS! ONE HUNDRED POUNDS! JUST LIKE THE WOMAN SAID!"
"Officer, I have two bags of hemp seed in there. They weren't hidden. Its not marijuana seeds. I got them from Gary Stone in Cincinnati. He owns a trucking company. He gets the hemp seed out of Chicago. I use it as a trapping mixture for the birds."
"A what?"
"A trapping mixture. Hemp gets the pigeons into the loft quicker."
"ANY MORE BAGS UP THERE!"
"NONE THAT I CAN FIND!"
"BRING THOSE OUT AND KEEP SEARCHING!"
"I'm the one that actually found them, Elroy. My brother is trying to take credit."
"I don't care who found them. I'm just glad we got 'em. GOOD JOB! "
"Are you taking my feed?"
"Yes."
"Am I under arrest?"
"Not yet. But don't leave town. You'll be hearing from us."
"I'm telling you as nicely as I can, that feed is legal."
"No Sweat, do you think we are stupid? You have enough seeds there to supply all the marijuana growers on the eastern shore board."
"Elroy, which cruiser gets the seeds?"
"Put 'em in the Ravenna cruiser. Officer Ishmael can lock 'em up in their safe."
**************************************************************************************************************
SCENE THREE
No Sweat, dawn the next day. Richmond, Kentucky. No Sweat is sitting inside a small bathroom on an old commode. The seat of the commode is down. Close by, No Sweat is looking at an old man sitting in a bathtub trying to take a bath.
"Mr. Coy, your wife told me to come in here. I need your help. You're the best lawyer in this state."
"What is it?"
"The police raided my pigeon loft yesterday afternoon. They took one hundred pounds of hemp seed that I feed my pigeons. They are claiming that it is marijuana seeds and that I sell the seeds to growers. Hemp seed is grown in China. Then it is shipped to the United States. When it gets to California the DEA takes control of it. They bring it in off the ship in large conveyors and heat the seeds to the degree that it sterilizes the seeds so that they cannot sprout or re-produce. Once that is done the seeds are then sold to various distributors all over the United States. You can find hemp seeds in canary seed mixtures, parakeets seed mixtures, wild bird seed mixtures and all in kinds of places. All you need to do is read the back of any box of bird seed and you'll lively see that it has hemp seed in it. I get the seeds straight from Gary Stone. He and I are old friends. We played basketball together for Irvine. He now has pigeons and lives in Cincinnati. He is able to get the seeds straight out of Chicago and lets me have some every now and then.I use the hemp as a trapping mixture to get the birds to come into the loft. They love hemp seeds over any other seed that you can feed them. Tell me, what am I supposed to do? I've got all the paperwork showing where I got the seeds and where they came from."
"Did you get arrested?"
"No."
"Well then just sit back. Let's hope they bring up charges and arrest you. That will be the best day of your life. We'll sue them for all they are worth."
"Mr. Coy, my wife, Chesteeen, is a school principal. If they arrest me for marijuana she'll probably lose her job. You know how Estill county is. She's spent her whole life working hard to make it as a principal. The last thing we need is to see her fired because of this hemp seed thing."
"If they fire her that'll be just that more money we'll make. I hope they do it."
"I don't want it to come to that."
"No Sweat, the best thing for you to do is keep your mouth shut and not say a word. Get down on your knees and pray that you are arrested and that your wife is fired. That will be the best day of your life. I am advising you as your attorney not to say a word about this to to anyone."
***************************************************************************************************************
SCENE FOUR
Irvine, Kentucky. Three hours later after the meeting between Charles Coy and No Sweat. No Sweat now sits in front of Mike Moreland, prosecuting attorney for Estill County, Kentucky.
"Mike, yesterday the police raided my pigeon loft and confiscated two bags of hemp seed. They claim it is marijuana seeds and that I am selling the seeds to marijuana growers. I use the seeds to get my pigeons to come into the loft. They love them. I have all the paperwork here as to where the seeds actually come from. If you will read all of this you will see that what I have is legal. I went to Charles Coy about this and he told me to keep my mouth shut. He hopes that you will bring charges against me. He said that he would then sue you. I don't want it to come to that. You know how this place is. I am here to ask you to look into this matter and stop everything before it goes any further.
"No Sweat, I'll look into it today."
"Thank you."
*************************************************************************************************************
SCENE FIVE
Thirty years later. No Sweat resides in Richmond, Kentucky. No charges regarding the hemp seeds were ever brought forth. Not another word by anyone was ever spoken.
And the two fifty pound bags of hemp seeds were never returned.
No Sweat supposes they my yet still be locked up in the city of Ravenna's old safe.
He would ask for them back but is afraid that one of them may have sprouted.
No Sweat
SCENE ONE
"I've been his neighbor since he moved up here. About fifteen years now."
"And why are you calling the Kentucky State Police?"
"Well, he's got some pigeons up there. And he's got trees planted all over the place. I know he plants them so the neighbors can't see what he's doing."
"And what is it that you think he is doing?"
"I don't think nothing. I KNOW what he is doing!"
"And what is that?"
"Well, my two grandsons were up there in his pigeon loft last week. He got to showing them the feed mixture he mixes together. He had corn and some other stuff---and guess what?"
"What?"
"He's got marijuana seeds up there, too. My boys said he had two fifty pound bags. Ain't that against the law? My guess, he's only using those pigeons as a front. He's making money off those seeds as sure as I'm talking to you on this phone!"
"You're sure he's got one hundred pounds of marijuana seeds?"
"Yessir. I saw this hot-line number for reporting drugs and I immediately called."
"What's this man's name and where does he live?"
"He's called, NO SWEAT. Says he's a writer ---but I know better. His pigeon loft is in the woods on a hill behind his house at 516 Poplar Street in Ravenna, Kentucky."
"Thank you for calling, Ma'am, we will look into this."
********************************************************************************************************
SCENE TWO
Later the same day of the phone call. Six squad cars race to the 516 Polar Street residence. The peaceful pigeon loft is surrounded by a ready-made Kentucky squat team composed of blue lights representing The Kentucky State Police, The Estill County Sheriff's Department and The Ravenna City Police (population 369).
"NO SWEAT, WE KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE! NO USE TRYING TO HIDE! GIVE UP! COME OUT OF THAT PIGEON LOFT WITH YOUR HANDS HIGH!"
"I'm coming out. Don't shoot!"
"We have a warrant to search your pigeon loft."
"For what? I know that I wrote an article saying that an old man was using pigeons to smuggle drugs in from the Caribbean but it was just fiction. Fiction is all I write."
"The lady that called in on you said you'd try to claim that you were a writer. This ain't about nothin' you say you wrote. This here is about one hundred pounds of marijuana seeds you are hiding up there in that pigeon loft."
"Marijuana seeds? Hiding?"
"ELROY! I FOUND 'EM! TWO BAGS! ONE HUNDRED POUNDS! JUST LIKE THE WOMAN SAID!"
"Officer, I have two bags of hemp seed in there. They weren't hidden. Its not marijuana seeds. I got them from Gary Stone in Cincinnati. He owns a trucking company. He gets the hemp seed out of Chicago. I use it as a trapping mixture for the birds."
"A what?"
"A trapping mixture. Hemp gets the pigeons into the loft quicker."
"ANY MORE BAGS UP THERE!"
"NONE THAT I CAN FIND!"
"BRING THOSE OUT AND KEEP SEARCHING!"
"I'm the one that actually found them, Elroy. My brother is trying to take credit."
"I don't care who found them. I'm just glad we got 'em. GOOD JOB! "
"Are you taking my feed?"
"Yes."
"Am I under arrest?"
"Not yet. But don't leave town. You'll be hearing from us."
"I'm telling you as nicely as I can, that feed is legal."
"No Sweat, do you think we are stupid? You have enough seeds there to supply all the marijuana growers on the eastern shore board."
"Elroy, which cruiser gets the seeds?"
"Put 'em in the Ravenna cruiser. Officer Ishmael can lock 'em up in their safe."
**************************************************************************************************************
SCENE THREE
No Sweat, dawn the next day. Richmond, Kentucky. No Sweat is sitting inside a small bathroom on an old commode. The seat of the commode is down. Close by, No Sweat is looking at an old man sitting in a bathtub trying to take a bath.
"Mr. Coy, your wife told me to come in here. I need your help. You're the best lawyer in this state."
"What is it?"
"The police raided my pigeon loft yesterday afternoon. They took one hundred pounds of hemp seed that I feed my pigeons. They are claiming that it is marijuana seeds and that I sell the seeds to growers. Hemp seed is grown in China. Then it is shipped to the United States. When it gets to California the DEA takes control of it. They bring it in off the ship in large conveyors and heat the seeds to the degree that it sterilizes the seeds so that they cannot sprout or re-produce. Once that is done the seeds are then sold to various distributors all over the United States. You can find hemp seeds in canary seed mixtures, parakeets seed mixtures, wild bird seed mixtures and all in kinds of places. All you need to do is read the back of any box of bird seed and you'll lively see that it has hemp seed in it. I get the seeds straight from Gary Stone. He and I are old friends. We played basketball together for Irvine. He now has pigeons and lives in Cincinnati. He is able to get the seeds straight out of Chicago and lets me have some every now and then.I use the hemp as a trapping mixture to get the birds to come into the loft. They love hemp seeds over any other seed that you can feed them. Tell me, what am I supposed to do? I've got all the paperwork showing where I got the seeds and where they came from."
"Did you get arrested?"
"No."
"Well then just sit back. Let's hope they bring up charges and arrest you. That will be the best day of your life. We'll sue them for all they are worth."
"Mr. Coy, my wife, Chesteeen, is a school principal. If they arrest me for marijuana she'll probably lose her job. You know how Estill county is. She's spent her whole life working hard to make it as a principal. The last thing we need is to see her fired because of this hemp seed thing."
"If they fire her that'll be just that more money we'll make. I hope they do it."
"I don't want it to come to that."
"No Sweat, the best thing for you to do is keep your mouth shut and not say a word. Get down on your knees and pray that you are arrested and that your wife is fired. That will be the best day of your life. I am advising you as your attorney not to say a word about this to to anyone."
***************************************************************************************************************
SCENE FOUR
Irvine, Kentucky. Three hours later after the meeting between Charles Coy and No Sweat. No Sweat now sits in front of Mike Moreland, prosecuting attorney for Estill County, Kentucky.
"Mike, yesterday the police raided my pigeon loft and confiscated two bags of hemp seed. They claim it is marijuana seeds and that I am selling the seeds to marijuana growers. I use the seeds to get my pigeons to come into the loft. They love them. I have all the paperwork here as to where the seeds actually come from. If you will read all of this you will see that what I have is legal. I went to Charles Coy about this and he told me to keep my mouth shut. He hopes that you will bring charges against me. He said that he would then sue you. I don't want it to come to that. You know how this place is. I am here to ask you to look into this matter and stop everything before it goes any further.
"No Sweat, I'll look into it today."
"Thank you."
*************************************************************************************************************
SCENE FIVE
Thirty years later. No Sweat resides in Richmond, Kentucky. No charges regarding the hemp seeds were ever brought forth. Not another word by anyone was ever spoken.
And the two fifty pound bags of hemp seeds were never returned.
No Sweat supposes they my yet still be locked up in the city of Ravenna's old safe.
He would ask for them back but is afraid that one of them may have sprouted.
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